The you that observes you is the director -Tim
I’m not sure what people do when they’re left alone with their own thoughts. I think most people can’t handle it, that fall into distractions, their phones, television, social media… way back it was books and magazines, printed media and the like….
I don’t think most people like themselves. They don’t like being alone with themselves. I think that’s the shade. So they fill their lives up with these little distractions. Anything to avoid talking with the you that observes you, the director.
For me I had a lot of time alone with myself. I would question things, so many things, so curious. But “The you that observes you” couldn’t bear to talk to me, he’d seen too much, knew things that would break me.
And so he hide away and I was left alone. What does a kid do when they are left alone with their thoughts? They daydream, at least I did. And I created this world… this.. interface… I would feel things and not know why….
I always had trouble with my emotions, I always needed to know WHY I was feeling them and I would think and think and think to try to figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling. But he director knew he couldn’t tell me why I was feeling the things I was feeling, it would break me. And so we made stories in these day dreams. If we were mad or sad or even happy, we would daydream stories to express this emotional energy. Something to do when alone with our thoughts.
And we’d convey these emotions, anger, grief, elation, attraction, everything would be conveyed through characters in a story. Then I would “empathize” with them in the story and suddenly the emotion seemed to make more sense. Felt more…. “justified?”. I’m not sure.
I think that’s why I split. Because the director wouldn’t talk to me anymore…. He rationalized this because he had to… to stop everything that had happened from breaking the psyche…. to keep us how we were “supposed to be” in society… This is when the director came up with a plan.
That was the first government, that was the old city, the forbidden place internally, the lost world.
But even now the memories of that time are foggy…. at some point the city fell and the New Government was formed. The GOM in high school. This time they couldn’t hide everything from me, thats why they started talking about me and letting me watch, because the first time they tried not letting me watch and it all went to shit.
Turns out when one of us tries to keep stuff from the other we both end up forgetting. Repression’s a bitch. Tho to put it that way is a disservice, that’s too simply put. Because there aren’t two of us anymore. There’s many of us now, a whole government…..
I’m not sure what to do with all this. I’m not even sure I believe it all so there!
-Onas
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